Making Trouble: a full confession--I've fucked up
Fuck you
I confess
I have been Un-natural
Un-womanly
I have not done what I was supposed to do
Nor have I looked or acted like I was supposed to
I have not been sweet and gentle
And I mean I've never looked right
I have never truly sacrificed myself (in fact I am frequently told, sometimes by other women
That I don't know what that means)
I can never know unconditional love (even though I love you with my whole mind heart body and soul no matter how stupid you are)
I have not given my wombody over to its supposedly one natural rightful purpose
You will not look over at me, to see me with our tiny child suckling at my full, milky-white, veined But somehow still beautiful to you even though it's not for you breast
As I smile gently down with eyes only for my babe, twinkling with unconditional orgasmic
Love at her (because I will insist on a girl) beauty, soft curls framing my face, at once tired but Sweet and Pretty and natural like it's supposed to be, as my right hand dandles her left
Darling little fingers wrapped around my thumb
I will not sense you looking, and glance up at you, my man, who filled me with your seed Knowing that you find me beautiful and natural and womanly, all as it should be
Sorry!
I have fucked up I guess
And it's over
Now I can never hope to be pretty enough
There
I have confessed
Actually I really don't give a fuck
I'm truly not sorry
I truly have no regrets
But what does hurt
Is that no one believes that
No, everyone is sorry for me
And regrets it for me
Fuck you
But most of all it kills me to know--it's so unfair--that no matter what I feel about myself
You want me less
Fuck you