Making Trouble: a full confession--I've fucked up

Fuck you

I confess

I have been Un-natural
I have not done what I was supposed to do
Nor have I looked or acted like I was supposed to

I have not been sweet and gentle

And I mean I've never looked right
I have never truly sacrificed myself (in fact I am frequently told, sometimes by other women 

That I don't know what that means)

I can never know unconditional love (even though I love you with my whole mind heart body and soul no matter how stupid you are)
I have not given my wombody over to its supposedly one natural rightful purpose

You will not look over at me, to see me with our tiny child suckling at my full, milky-white, veined But somehow still beautiful to you even though it's not for you breast

As I smile gently down with eyes only for my babe, twinkling with unconditional orgasmic 

Love at her (because I will insist on a girl) beauty, soft curls framing my face, at once tired but Sweet and Pretty and natural like it's supposed to be, as my right hand dandles her left 

Darling little fingers wrapped around my thumb

I will not sense you looking, and glance up at you, my man, who filled me with your seed Knowing that you find me beautiful and natural and womanly, all as it should be


I have fucked up I guess

And it's over

Now I can never hope to be pretty enough

I have confessed

Actually I really don't give a fuck

I'm truly not sorry

I truly have no regrets

But what does hurt 

Is that no one believes that 

No, everyone is sorry for me 

And regrets it for me

Fuck you

But most of all it kills me to know--it's so unfair--that no matter what I feel about myself 

You want me less

Fuck you